Just Thinkin'... on the Politics of Puppies
Submitted by Lisa Dingle on November 13, 2005 - 2:00am.
Just Thinkin
Thank you to everyone who has written this past week in an attempt to raise my spirits after the…..INCIDENT that occurred at Gillette Stadium this past Monday night. I’m still a little fragile, but am feeling stronger. My Patriots flag will, of course, be flying tomorrow and I think we should never speak of last Monday night again.
Unless we clean the Colts’ clocks during the playoffs.
It’s my new plan and I’m sticking to it. On to the column…
With rather jilted reasoning, my husband and I said ‘yes’ to something we never thought we’d say ‘yes’ to. And it wasn’t the type of thing that we all end up throwing our hands up and finally saying ‘yes’ to. Like, say, when you finally admit to yourself that the fact that you have set a pre-child, altruistic, ‘no toy gun’ rule might be a tad ridiculous when, for the umpteenth time, you witness your child turning another inanimate, seemingly innocent object into a super-charged weapon of death.
My own son’s ability to turn a pink plastic sand bucket, large stick, and about a mile of duct tape into a futuristic - albeit pink and duct-tape silver - machine gun earned him his first super soaker. I’m sure the NRA will show up any day now with recruitment papers.
No, I’m talking about a biggie. Skewed logic and all, John and I said yes to…..
A Fred.
Our Fred came pre-named, pre-yellow, pre-ecstatically excited about life, and pre-programmed to elicit the most amazing response from us if and when he does something entirely outside the bounds of all human reason, acceptance, and/or hygiene: “It’s a good thing he’s cute”.
Our Fred is a puppy.
I know, I know. All puppies are cute. The subject of a person’s puppy will get you pretty much the exact same responses and subject hops as you would get from your standard first-time parent. Sleeping schedules (sleeping through the night is a big one), pooping schedules (note to future puppy owners: ‘poop’ is often referred to as ‘business’ in the world of puppies), and chewing and teething habits – I’m telling you, it’s a non-stop puppy info superhighway if you aren’t careful when you ask about someone’s little ball of fur.
So I’ve tried to maintain a certain grounded realism when it comes to our new Fred. I’ve notified an appropriate number of friend connections that we do, indeed, have a Fred, but have attempted to remain on the proper side of ‘giddy’ when describing both his cute puppy antics, as well as his bowel habits. I think I am being respectful of my friends’ puppy interest levels as well as their personal limits relative to animal poop and pee stories. But last night, it occurred to me that this Fred might have more to teach me, and potentially the entire world, than I had previously thought. Here’s what happened:
John and I were engrossed in a conversation that involved the world of corporate politics, intrigue, and a certain manager we both know who makes the collateral damage wreaked by the evil Darth Vadar as he plots his ascension to the throne of the evil empire seem acceptable.
It was a pretty deep conversation. We were talking about strategies and tactics relative to dealing with Darth and we were both pretty hopped up on self-righteous business behavioral expectations, and at the same time pretty down on the fact that, once you get a certain number of human beings together - whether in a company or a town or a school, and whether people are paid or are volunteering their time - it seems almost inevitable that some subset of this group will begin trudging down the road of negative politicking (whether their ultimate goal is to be supreme commander of the Death Star or not).
This was very depressing at 11:30 at night and there was a lull in the conversation as we let this set in. And then it happened.
In pranced Fred (and yes, Fred does a great prance).
With a stick.
He was very excited about this particular stick.
He pranced over to me to show me his stick.
He then pranced the four feet over to John to show him the stick.
And I said, “Oh, Hun. We are being much too serious…Look at Freddy. His politics revolve around his stick!”
Now, if Freddy had a ball in his mouth, the corporate management gurus would be much happier with me because my analogy would be much closer to their comfort zone. They’d rather I say, ‘Freddy knew to keep his eye on the ball’ (and then one of those politically-driven fiends would steal my idea and run with it and a book called, The Politics of Puppies would be published without a mere mention of me in the Acknowledgements section.) Believe me, I know. I used to swim with those sharks.
But no, Freddy had a stick – and he didn’t have his eye on it, he had his mouth on it. But in the world of ‘Puppy Inc.’ keeping your mouth on the stick is a big deal. Chomping on that stick was his task and he threw himself right in and did it – with gusto. He didn’t create a vision statement, a mission statement, or a corporate credo. He didn’t seem to care, as near as I could tell, that he had the ‘buy-in’ of either Smudge (Male, Black Lab/Golden cross, age 15) or Ripley (Female, German Shepherd, age 5 – please note that the Dingles are a multi-cultural and multi-gender employer of fine canine talent and do not engage in age discrimination). This would mean that if another puppy had an issue with Fred simply taking over the stick-chomping task without consulting said other puppy, Smudge and Ripley wouldn’t be filled in and pre-disposed to be supportive of Fred handling the stick chomping task, thus protecting Fred from potential ‘Puppy Inc.” corporate political fall out.
And Fred didn’t even care!
He just kept on chomping the stick as if it didn’t even matter!
And you know what happened?!
He finished.
Fred completed his task in record time.
There was nothing more that any other puppy would be able to say. If they went over Fred’s head to complain to me or John (defacto co-CEOs of ‘Puppy Inc.’ because we provided the initial investment capital for collars, kibbles, and the back yard where Fred found the stick), the conversation would be wholly unsatisfying to the complainant:
Me and John: “So you are complaining because Fred chewed the stick?”
Darth Puppy (translated so you, the reader, can understand assuming you aren’t skilled in corporate puppy business jargon): “No, I’m just saying that stick chewing is supposed to be part of MY organization’s mission. Fred is a really great puppy though.” (Note the disingenuous praise of Fred so that John and I will be thrown off the scent of the negative puppy politicking that is actually taking place).
Me and John (immune to negative puppy politicking due to our collective recent real-world Darth Vader-like politicking experience): “So Fred shouldn’t have chewed the stick because it wasn’t in his job description?”
Darth Puppy: “Pretty much. Great puppy though.”
Me and John: “Did the stick get chewed?”
Darth Puppy: “Well…yes (adding quickly) But not the way my organization would have chewed it. We have a PROCESS for stick chewing!”
Me and John: “How many sticks has your PROCESS helped you chew this quarter?”
Darth Puppy (sad that he has taken this particular path and realizing it may not have been the best idea): Well…. three.
Me and John: “Three?”
Darth Puppy: “The stick chomping market is in a slump.”
Me and John: “So you chomped three this quarter, and Fred completed his stick in a matter of five minutes – start to finish?”
Darth Puppy: “As I said, the market is…”
Me and John: “Seems to us that you may want to revisit that PROCESS.”
Darth Puppy: “Yes, your majesties (leaves with tail between legs).
Ahhhh. That’s the way it should work. Our hero Fred – doer of good deeds, avoider of all things negative puppy politics heads off into the sunset as the new Associate Vice President of Stick Chomping Markets. Great business card title, nice bump in salary. It all works out.
Until you look beneath the covers.
Fred came into Puppy Inc. with the right levels of energy and enthusiasm. However, he rose in the corporate ranks through a cunning combination of serious sucking up (including – literally - kissing the hands that fed him.). He was known to push himself to the head of the line continually (including shouldering past – many times – an arthritic senior citizen dog) in order to have his own work noticed and rewarded. And he is, and has always been, a shameless self-promoter.
I’m back to my pre-Fred the hero positive corporate role model state.
Maybe The Politics of Puppies won’t be the best seller I thought it might be. I know this because as I type, Fred just walked over the backs of my other two dogs in order to get to me.
I’m re-naming him Darth.
Thanks for readin’!
Lisa
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