by Lisa Dingle

I'm not a bumper sticker fan. And yet, I admit to having bumper sticker envy.

Ah, the conflicting emotions that accompany our collective existence. Weird.

I am serious about this one though. I love to see the occasional car covered in bumper stickers. I have actually observed some vehicles that sport more sticker matter than paint. And yet, I cannot bring myself to sticker my own car. Totally serious. I think it's an issue.

You can tell a lot about a person by the bumper stickers they choose to put on their cars. I think the higher education community ought to think of offering some sort of degree for all the time that I have spent studying bumper sticker-laden modes of transport. Perhaps a degree in sticker sociology. A BSSS.

For the sake of argument (and because this is my column), I'm going to anoint myself with an honorary degree and expertly guide you through a sociological reality of bumper sticker science. Lisa Dingle, BSSS.

Sociologically speaking, if one has political leanings to the left, one is much more likely to sport bumper stickers than if one leans to the right. I'm not quite sure why that is. It may be that our liberal selves may just be more comfortable with sharing our voices than our conservative selves. Oh, it's true. Trust me. I'm an expert (I have a degree. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that it's a Masters in Sticker Sociology. I've been typing for several minutes now. That's worth a promotion, don't you think?).

Now, when I talk about left leaning stickers, I'm not just talkin' about political bumper stickers (although who doesn't get a chuckle out of "They call him ‘W' so he can spell it" and "That's okay, I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway". Pretty funny stuff regardless of which side of the aisle you're on. The ones about Clinton were somewhat of a stitch too. "Impeach the President and her Husband" and "Honk if Bill Clinton says You're Rich" are now classics.). But the reality is that there are far more classic Volvos and original VW Beetles sporting messages of environmental responsibility, anti-war, and pro vegan living than late model BMWs shouting against capital gains reform or espousing that the whole Enron thing was overblown and Ken and the boys were all framed.

Maybe the origins of liberalism and conservativism didn't have anything to do with party platforms. Maybe it was all about who was more liberal or conservative when it came to shouting their beliefs from the rooftops (or the surfaces of their cars). An interesting theory, however this is not my area of expertise. That would be the responsibility of a political science major. I only have a PhD in Sticker Sociology. Lisa Dingle, PhD.

Anyway, I've spent quite a bit of time in Maine recently and there seem to be a number of vacationers who have spent far too much time papering their vehicles with bumper stickers (and probably far too little time practicing self restraint at the bumper sticker check out lines). Remember, I don't indulge in bumpers stickers for myself, but have a complete respect for those willing to wear their beliefs and life outlooks on their cars. What does this say about my own political leanings? I think it means that I am absolutely right where I should be in term of my voter registration: Undeclared. But again, we need a poly sci major to confirm this.

Anyway, bumper sticker spotting and reading is an excellent source of entertainment and provides constant noodle-time for me ("noodling" being a synonym for "thinking" in my world).

Here are some of my faves (none political, mind you) from this year's "bumper crop":

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly)

So many stupid people, so few comets.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Jesus is coming. Everyone look busy!

If you can read this, I lost my trailer.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life either.

An Apple a Day keeps Windows away.

Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

And my extra-super-cool-almost-fave (I could visualize actually sticking this one on my car....well, not really....but I sort of wish I could):

I'm not infantile, you stinky poopy head.

and my absolute, all time fave:

Don't MAKE me get my flying monkeys.

Okay. I've got to get back out on the road to see if I can find any more, there are just a few more weeks of summer sticker viewing season left!

Thanks for readin'.

Dr. Lisa Dingle
PhD, Sticker Sociology